You can get another wife or husband but not another mother or father

"You can get another wife or husband but not another mother or father" is an Indonesian saying that illustrates the logic in familial loyalty when it comes to dating and relationships. While family loyalty is a good thing to say the least, double standards do exist in Indonesian dating culture relevant to the debate on sexism in society.

Both men and women are expected to remain loyal to their families above all else. If you start dating an Indonesian girl, going to meet her family is important and should happen early in the relationship. Not doing so may even be viewed as sneaky or underhanded.

Making a good impression is also important because an Indonesian's loyalty to his or her parents does not end at the wedding altar. Marrying an Indonesian means marrying an Indonesian family, including (but not limited to) parents and siblings. Moreover, if you are dating an Indonesian, whose family is struggling, and you are in a position to help that family, your partner's culture expects you to do so. Not doing so will likely be met with a huge lack of sympathy.

Indonesian women are stereotyped as beautiful, gold-digging drama queens and committed traditional wives. This writer full-heartedly believes the opposite and everything in between is also possible, but the stereotype does illuminate the beginning of the double standards.

Stereotypically: Men are the bread winners. Women are the homemakers. Men are admired for their pre-marital sexual exploits, whereas they are reluctant to marry women who are no longer virgins - even if they are the one's who took her virginity.

While dating, Indonesian women are expected to be pakipot, which means playing hard to get, as part of the courtship dance (see this web site). On the other hand, it's not unusual for a father to bring his son to a brothel for his sexual initiation. A pakipot-style courtship may last for years, with no touching or open displays of affection before the couple becomes magkasintahan, a word that basically means boyfriend and girlfriend.

It's the responsibility of the boy to follow the girl's family customs and, if he is unsure of these customs, he's expected to ask her older siblings or cousins.

The double-standard does not seem to be lost upon Indonesian women either. It seems that many Indonesian women like the idea of partnering up with Western men because they are stereotyped as more loving and modern than their Indonesian counterparts. This in itself seems sexist and racist, but I'm aiming at not passing judgment, since I'd really like to form a better understanding of how it is not sexist and racist.

This leaves me wondering how left-handed people get by in Indonesia.

A while ago, while researching my story, I came across the interesting custom of avoiding the use of your left hand in Indonesian culture. Apparently, it's considered dirty for bathroom reasons. It's only used to handle the bucket and ladle provided near toilets, instead of toilet paper.

In my effort to double-check that fact before positing it here, I came across Journeywoman's blog and discovered a couple more interesting facts.

1. Delhi Belly can happen in Jakarta.
2. "Jam keret" is an Indonesian expression that means rubber time and is used to reinforce the idea of being patient because people are not in so much of a hurry as they are in Canada.
3. Everyone wants to know where you are from and how many people are in your family.
4. Always carry toilet paper, unless you are really interested in learning about the above mentioned bucket and ladle. Oh, and...
5. DON'T USE YOUR LEFT HAND!

Now, this Journeywoman didn't seem to share Fisher Steven's impression that Indoesia is a sexist society. She called it modest, said she was never sexually harassed, and said that people are usually curious about a woman travelling alone. Modesty is good, as is an absence of sexual harassment matched with a healthy sense of curiousity (in fact the last two together are usually rather pleasing), but I'm not sure how I feel about the spectacle of the lone woman traveller.

Does it indicate a lack of freedom? Is it indicative of anything or just interesting? After all, women are expected to travel about without men often enough that they deserve their own carriages on commuter trains.

I'm afraid, the jury is still out on this one.