You can get another wife or husband but not another mother or father

"You can get another wife or husband but not another mother or father" is an Indonesian saying that illustrates the logic in familial loyalty when it comes to dating and relationships. While family loyalty is a good thing to say the least, double standards do exist in Indonesian dating culture relevant to the debate on sexism in society.

Both men and women are expected to remain loyal to their families above all else. If you start dating an Indonesian girl, going to meet her family is important and should happen early in the relationship. Not doing so may even be viewed as sneaky or underhanded.

Making a good impression is also important because an Indonesian's loyalty to his or her parents does not end at the wedding altar. Marrying an Indonesian means marrying an Indonesian family, including (but not limited to) parents and siblings. Moreover, if you are dating an Indonesian, whose family is struggling, and you are in a position to help that family, your partner's culture expects you to do so. Not doing so will likely be met with a huge lack of sympathy.

Indonesian women are stereotyped as beautiful, gold-digging drama queens and committed traditional wives. This writer full-heartedly believes the opposite and everything in between is also possible, but the stereotype does illuminate the beginning of the double standards.

Stereotypically: Men are the bread winners. Women are the homemakers. Men are admired for their pre-marital sexual exploits, whereas they are reluctant to marry women who are no longer virgins - even if they are the one's who took her virginity.

While dating, Indonesian women are expected to be pakipot, which means playing hard to get, as part of the courtship dance (see this web site). On the other hand, it's not unusual for a father to bring his son to a brothel for his sexual initiation. A pakipot-style courtship may last for years, with no touching or open displays of affection before the couple becomes magkasintahan, a word that basically means boyfriend and girlfriend.

It's the responsibility of the boy to follow the girl's family customs and, if he is unsure of these customs, he's expected to ask her older siblings or cousins.

The double-standard does not seem to be lost upon Indonesian women either. It seems that many Indonesian women like the idea of partnering up with Western men because they are stereotyped as more loving and modern than their Indonesian counterparts. This in itself seems sexist and racist, but I'm aiming at not passing judgment, since I'd really like to form a better understanding of how it is not sexist and racist.

Erwin Arnada

Erwin Arnada may soon officially be a man on the run. His crime? Publishing a toned-down version of Playboy Magazine for an Indonesian audience. Playboy Indonesia did not use any nudity in any of its pictures. Critics, like those in the video below, even claim that there are racier magazines available for sale throughout the country, but that it was the word Playboy and its link to American culture that fundamentalist religious groups had a problem with.

I will not argue with countries trying to protect their culture from American momoculture, but if you look at the headlines on the cover of one of the three issues of Playboy Indonesia that made it into print, you see that it features an interview with one of Indonesia's foremost political and cultural icons: Pramoedya Ananta Toer.

The laws used to put Erwin Arnada soon on the run are Indonesia's ant-pornography laws, which are also used to subjugate gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender (GLBT) people. Sticking to the subject of my blog, the question is: is this sexist?

It's certainly problematic on many levels, especially those involving human rights, but many people would argue that pornography is sexist as well.

Personally, it's my hope that Erwin Arnada doesn't wind up becoming a fugitive or going to jail.

The title of my blog

The title of my blog comes from a Fisher Stevens quote that I found while googling Indonesia. Yep, that's right. Blame this guy:

That being said, my aims with this blog are three-fold: one is to disprove Mr. Steven's statement; two is to research my novel; and three is to share fun facts about Indonesia.

My first fun fact is that that they have recently introduced women-only carriages on commuter trains in Jakarta. This was in response to popular demand - from women, who felt they were subject to sexual harassment in the regular carriages, where men would take advantage of sudden stops to grope them. Does this make it any less sexist? My opinion is still divided on this one, but... the carriages are PINK and I think that's pretty cool!